Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
