The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
