His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
