i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
