A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
