Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
