somebody snuck up and got me drunk
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
