Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
