sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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