All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
