You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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