I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize