This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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