i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
