My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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