You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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