i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
