I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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