If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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