watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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