If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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