I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
