the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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