Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
