I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
