Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
