just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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