The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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