If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize