dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
