I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
