We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
