Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
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What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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