sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
