CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
