I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
