I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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