Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
