why didn't you poke me back
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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