This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
