You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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