i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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