dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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