Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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