I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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