Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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