he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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