Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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