What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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