OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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